My Mum's Funeral, and Post Funeral Thoughts, Feelings, and Responses

On the 18th of September 2009, at 3.00pm, I attended my mum's funeral, with her partner Bill who drove us there and back, and with my mum's friends Gwen and Joy, who came with us. All of my relatives and family, were very kind and supportive, especially my older brother. I was helped the most by talking with my mum's partner, Bill's friend, Danny, who attended, and who I afterwards chatted with for nearly an hour. For some reason, at that time, it seemed easier in a way, talking to someone outside the family, about the experience and after thoughts of my mum's funeral, and Danny spoke about his father's funeral, and we shared and exchanged those and other experiences.

I am glad that I attended my mum's funeral, I learnt some new things about my mum from some of her friends, and from her younger sister - my aunt Pauline's speech, and her latter conversations with me - the ceremony and event helped me to accept and understand her loss a bit better, and to bring my thoughts and emotions out more - and together - into some kind of more open, shared, and more connected or integrated social and personal perspective. I don't think I will ever forget my mum's funeral, and it was in some ways conducive to a healing experience, but the closure of the event, is also a big weight off of my and Bill's shoulders and minds.

Certain things I experienced, during the funeral ceremony and event, were very revealing and significant for me, and which along with the rest of this article, are very important for me to share with others.

My mum's partner Bill, had told me a couple of days before, that the funeral, was there for me to say goodbye to my mum, rather than her saying goodbye to me. However, I got a very strong sense and feeling at the funeral, that she had and was saying goodbye to me, as well as me to her, and during the last and third song we played (one of her favourite songs, I will always love You, by Whitney Housten), at some stage, the context and emphasis shifted, from the sadness we all felt at her loss, to the sadness she must have felt, before, and when she took her life, knowing that she loved us, and would never see us again. I realised this clearer, understood and empathised with my mum more, and can now see how this is an important part of the grieving process.

It was very important, for me to realise this, that my mum's sadness too was realised and acknowledged, and that it mattered as well. Otherwise, our sadness and grief, would have been in some ways a very selfish thing, if we did not also remember, and be conscious and aware of my mum's sadness, which was of equal consideration, relevance, and importance. It was important, relevant, and crucial to me, that all our emotions and sadness - including my mum's - were valid, and in a way, that we all expressed and/or shared all of our emotions and sadness together. This is an important area of spirituality, and mental, emotional, and social connectedness and sharing, which is not at odds with either an atheist or religious and/or spiritualist understanding and perspective.

Whilst I had been weeping a bit, during the first and second songs (Only You by The Flying Pickets, and All Kinds of Everything by Dana), the third song, really touched and moved me, because the lyrics of the Whitney Housten song made me again realise, the very strong love my mum had for me, and which I will miss the most - although in a way, the positive influence of which - also continues to live in my heart and mind. Indeed, my mum's younger sister, my aunt Pauline, said the day after, that the Whitney Housten song, was my mum talking to us, and that was how I experienced it too. During this song, and walking out from the building, I cried heavily, and then my brother hugged me with one arm, and Bill put his hand upon me. It was important for me to cry publicly in a way, because this was healthy and out in the open, but then I needed to sit in Bill's car, and cry alone or privately for a bit too.

After my mum's funeral, me and Bill went home for a while, and then we went round Bill's sister Doris's, and stayed until quite late. Me, Doris, and Bill, at some stage got on to the subject of spirituality, and Doris and Bill told me about the beliefs of spiritualism, which they hold, pertaining to an after-life. I felt it was very important here, to explain to Doris, where I stood on that perspective, understanding, and interpretation, and the kind of agnosticism I hold, and which my mum more or less held, and which was in a way very similar.

I explained to Doris, that the kind of agnosticism that I hold, does not exist as a purely middle and neutral area and ground, but which oscillates or shifts, and in some ways simultaneously operates, between atheism, and spirituality/spiritualism/belief in an after-life. I find that I need to take both possibilities, perspectives, understandings, and interpretations, into consideration. In my ways of experiencing and understanding things, the atheistic, and the spiritual, divine, or mystical, are in some ways both valid ways of coping and understanding things.

There are times when I need to consider, accept, and understand, that there is no after-life, mystical/natural law, and/or God, because it is important for some reasons, I shall further explain, to consider that possibility and reality, in order to come to terms, cope, and give a different kind of vital meaning to life - especially in context to the physical and material loss, of a loved one - which in some ways takes some initial primacy, and importance, over the overall spiritual, religious, divine, or mystical.

The spiritual perspective and understanding, is also in one way or another, very important and relevant, and as a dialectical agnostic, I have to consider that it might or could be, real and true in some way or other, psychologically, socially, and spiritually. Indeed, the spiritual and/or religious view and understanding, or at least part of that - whether it is true or not - has or can have some important, vital, meaning, and is an important integrative part of our understanding of the psychological, personal, and social awareness, knowledge, and human understanding, as indeed the atheist and/or humanist view and understanding, can have some relevance and importance to the spiritual and/or religious.

However, the physical and material loss of a loved one, still has to be taken into consideration, and dealt with, both in combination with the spiritual, and as a completely separate thing. All of these things, are one way or another, very relevant and important.

In a way, my own experience, understanding, and approach to all of this, was again very similar to my mum. There were times on the odd occasion, when my mum would say, that she believed in an after-life and spirit world, and that you can receive messages from those who have passed on - and she obviously believed in that up to a point, or on one level - because she used to attend the spiritualist church now and then, although she also went there for friendship, company, and support. There were also times, when my mum would quite firmly, and clearly tell me, that there wasn't an after-life and/or God, and she told me not to believe any of the strong spiritualist beliefs, of her partner Bill.

All in all, I think the atheist and/or humanist, and the spiritual, divine, or mystical understandings and approaches, are both in some ways, very important and relevant, and in that way me and my mum, held some clear similarities of dialectical and diverse understanding, scepticism, and open-mindedness.