My Somewhat Healing and Enlightening Experience Last Night

I had a very bad day yesterday, and late last night before I went to bed, and which was a lot to do with the fact, that I am missing my mum’s support, and which was in a lot of ways, overall very unique and strong. I still have other similar people, supporting me, but my mum’s support was still in some ways irreplaceable, as I’m sure most other people’s mother’s love and support is, or was.

Whilst I suffered a lot, most of the day and early evening, yesterday - and I’m glad I feel a fair bit better today - I understand better now, how my mum as a person, and especially as a woman, with yearly and very severe mental health problems, felt victimised, within some local mental health services, society, and the world.

I have had like very occasional transference experiences and feelings, of what my mum felt before she committed suicide three months ago, in the past three months, in terms of her extreme mental, physical, and emotional suffering and pain - her experiences and feelings of extreme grief (knowing that she was going to leave her family and friends) - and her fear at knowing she was facing death, and/or loss.

Because this is a very occasional transference experience for me, I have also very occasionally felt and thought, that I had to think and feel her suicidal thoughts, in order to in some very important ways, know and understand these experiences of my mum’s, but I have no purely suicidal thoughts and feelings of my own, and absolutely no suicidal intentions, for many equally and more important reasons.

My mum’s loss from my personal and social life, and her loss from this world, are still very occasionally, very similar feelings of pain and loss to me, but as I shall now explain, I also still in some significant ways, feel my mum’s overall positive influence, both within, and around me.

Despite my very bad day yesterday, and late last night before I went to bed, I slept much better last night, although I woke up about four or five times, for very short periods, but I went more or less straight back to sleep again.

One of the short times, I woke up last night - for about twenty seconds - I felt a love and knowledge - from various sources - come into my being and mind, from what seemed like an outside energy or influence, and which partly felt like it was coming from my mum, in terms of a healing and positive message of love and life. All of this, was, or became like, an illuminating sort of slightly blue-ish light, that came into me from the outside, and shined through my mind and body, and then out of my eyes. It was a most beautiful - and again - a somewhat healing experience.