In my late childhood and early teenage years, I acquired a habit of thinking that if I didn't repeat certain patterns, such as walk over a certain spot, or touch a certain object more than once, then certain bad or harmful consequences would follow: injury to myself or others. However, this is not mere irrationality or superstition, but is rooted in social causes, and rooted in personal coping-mechanisms and strategies. Whilst in secondary school, I noticed and discovered that at separate times, two completely different school friends had exactly the same habitual fear.
One friend of mine, who had the same habit, fear, or negative thought-pattern, when he once asked a voluntary mental health worker what it was he was experiencing, this person replied, "If you think negatively about things, then negative things might happen, and so you have to think positive." This reply was a layman's version of the cognitive-behavioural psychiatric model, and is fairly accurate, but there are all kinds of different ways of doing this that need to be explored, and for some people, dissociation, distraction, or diversion, isn't enough, and like me, they might need to reverse the negative analogy or thought-pattern they've been using, instead of replacing it altogether with a positive one.
When this friend told his mum what this preoccupation, habit, fear, or phobia was all about, (that if he didn't touch or repeat certain patterns, then he felt bad things would happen), she said she thought he was mad or stupid, which made him feel mad and stupid in the first place for telling her about it. It does sound ridiculous for people who've never experienced such a fear or preoccupation, but from the increasing amount of people on TV chat-shows admitting they experience this, it is something far more common than is admitted to or realised by many people.
My way of eventually coping or curing myself of this negative thought-pattern or phobia termed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, was not to deny myself of any autonomous thought or action, to distract myself, or replace it with an entirely positive analogy, but to reverse the strategy or analogy, and to convince myself that if I DID carry out the repetitive action, then certain harmful or bad things would happen. In this unconventional use of positive thinking, I reversed the negative-pattern of the thought, eventually bringing myself back to complete control and autonomy.
Maybe this strategy or method I used of reversing the original analogy, is less authoritarian, because it concentrates on self-control, whereas the absolutist method of purely positive-thinking used in conventional cognitive therapy, often relies upon being told what to think and do, and is a control imposed by others, unless it is a shared strategy and coping-mechanism between diagnosed patients.
What has previously been called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by psychiatry, is in my experience a fear or phobia, and not an entirely unreasonable human fear, because it is based-upon both negative past experiences, and a present fear of irrational, unreasonable, or immoral social-repression, negative social control, and imposed social compulsion.
So what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder really is, is a repetitive or habitual phobia, and even some modern psychiatry now, sees it as far more helpful for people to realise and understand their phobias as negative or habitual patterns of thought, in line with cognitive behavioural therapy, although cognitive behavioural therapy is not very good at realising the combination of social causes and personal coping-mechanisms, and it resorts to the psychologism of presuming everything is motivated by merely personal behaviour which needs to be socially isolated and controlled from the outset.
Thursday 5 August 2010
Monday 2 August 2010
My Past Experiences of a Female Counselling Professional
...who was initially Very Good and Loving To, With, and Towards Me, but Who Then also in Some Ways Abused me Emotionally, Verbally, and Sexually (Mentally, Emotionally, Verbally, and Erotically)
A female counsellor, about ten years ago, helped me in many practical and emotional ways, for quite a long period of time, as part of our initial social friendship, and our counselling sessions together. She gave me a fair bit of support, sympathy, empathy, love and understanding, about the fact that I am and was born, a natural love and sexual masochist towards women, that I have been unjustly and unreasonably persecuted, punished, and abused for this many times in the past, in my childhood, teens, and adult life - and that I still am being persecuted and abused now, in a very similar way to how and why this female counsellor abused me, by another female professional who isn't a counsellor - and that I am a child and teen abuse, school bullying and teacher abuse, and a social worker and psychiatric abuse survivor.
This female counsellor, was and is, in many ways a very beautiful and creative, clever, unique, brave and lovely woman, person, and human being, who I would have liked to have kept in touch with, been fairly constant friends with, and lived with for a while as her friend and/or masochist lover, and/or married her.
This female counsellor, also had no idea that I am an absolute genius as a writer, as she was very defensive and jealous of my writing talents and articles, and she used this jealousy of hers towards me, as an excuse for some of her sexual and erotic dominance, and role-play towards me, during a few of the counselling sessions - which I very much loved, liked, and enjoyed, and which was fine - although I also thought and felt, that she didn't necessarily have to excuse herself for this, in that way - but she also used her jealousy towards me, as an excuse for her abuse against me - again, in order to feel superior to me, in a way, about me as a great writer, who shares his very unique and shared knowledge with others, from all walks of life.
I still very much loved and understood this female counsellor, and despite the fact that she in some ways deeply hurt me, emotionally, verbally, and in some ways mentally and emotionally sexually and erotically abused me - and which I didn't ask for, want, deserve, or like - I still genuinely and sincerely love and desire her, deeply and immensely, and wherever she is - and whatever she freely chooses in life - I will always love her and wish her well.
I cannot excuse the deep hurt, in the form of emotional, verbal, and in some ways the sexual and erotic abuse by her against and towards me though, as again, it has happened to me again recently, in some ways, by another female professional who isn't a counsellor, and I feel I must speak out about all of this - not least because I want to understand all the real reasons why the female counsellor did this to me - and which I think I already know - the ways it has in some ways still affected me, and because I want to write and share about all of this with the female counsellor and others.
During one of our fairly early counselling sessions - and without me asking her to do this - at some stage this female counsellor, touched me with a very gentle, sympathetic, and sensual touch and stroke, on my shoulder with her hand, and which at the time, I thought and felt, was very loving, kind, and absolutely fine, and in a way, like a very subtle and partial form of tantric-sex type sexual-love healing.
Some counselling sessions later, this female counsellor, asked me about my heterosexual masochist experiences and so-called fantasies, and then she smiled and drooled over me sexually from across the room, licking her lips, and simulating a kind of external French kissing, heavily seducing me, in some sexually or erotic ways that I very much like, love, and enjoy.
Then in our next counselling session, she seduced me again, by pretending to me that she was a female Mistress and a Queen, who I had to crawl to, bow down before, kiss her almost bare and very beautiful feet, and grovel to, love, adore, respect, and worship her, in this way. I naturally loved, liked, and enjoyed this, and I felt very much obliged to do this for her and me. To this day, I regret that I never did this for HER in particular, and for some other similar women, and that I didn't physically and completely show her my true feelings towards her, in that way, at that particular duration and time, and which in a big way, she wanted in exchange for the previous touching and stroking, gentle and warm sensuality and love, by her hand, upon my shoulder that other time, and for the friendship, support, caring and understanding she had previously shown and given me.
In these and this way in particular, she then she made me further fall in love with her, and adore and worship her, but without any real verbal satisfaction, as she was quite cold when she played the role of a female Mistress and a Queen, and she just stared at me like she controlled and owned me, and/or like I had to serve her - but she was very, very, clever with her eyes, face, head, and body language and expressions - because she could communicate and tell me exactly what to do, without speaking verbally at all when she did this, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet another woman quite like her, who can do that, in such a very clever, very creative, and skilful way.
This female counsellor, was obviously, saying, and trying to tell me, that she had some very unique, and most amazing, talents and abilities as well in this way, equal to my very good conversational, discussion and debate, and my writing talents and abilities, and that in this way, we were both more or less of equal talent, skill, worth and value, as individuals, and together as men and women, and as human beings and people, interpersonally and in society.
Again, this female counsellor did not speak at all, when she pretended to be a female Mistress and a Queen to and towards me, and this was also without any other physical individual or mutual contact, apart from her previous loving and slightly sensual, stroking of my shoulder with her hand. In her somewhat wild and frustrated anticipations, thoughts, and feelings, and in some of her very inaccurate prejudices and assumptions, about me being emotionally and sexually repressed, connected to her work-role labelling, prejudices, and training, she couldn't - or didn't want to - combine, connect, and/or integrate her previous very warm and gentle, sympathetic, and sensual touch and stroke, on my shoulder with her hand, with her somewhat separate and fragmented erotic, sensual, and sexual dominance desire and love as a female Mistress and a Queen, towards me, and in this respect I think she was somewhat lacking for and with me, although I could have taught, integrated, connected, and in some ways progressed and shared this with her, if she had let me at the time, or if I still knew her socially, and/or as her very special client, student and teacher, and her friend.
At the next following counselling session, whilst I had to wait for this female counsellor, outside the building and counselling room, a lot later than our usual agreed meeting time, and before she let me into the building and counselling room, she then had some sexual-love type making and sexual intercourse, with another person, in the counselling room, before our session, and before she actually saw me, I could tell immediately afterwards, when I saw her in the counselling room, by her body language, facial expressions, and her initial very awkward and repressed stammering speech - and because she was erotically and sexually charged and breathing quite heavily, mostly and initially towards me during this session and time - and because who she really sexually desired and loved was me.
Because of the male and female control, social, political, and sexual exploitation, and coercion, over her by some others, in her social and work-life and role, the social, political, and sexual and love exploitation, and the very false love and sexual repression used against her in this way, she therefore couldn't express her true thoughts, feelings, and her true love, erotic, and sexual feelings towards me, and so she tried to love and desire me in this way instead, and which was the closest and nearest thing she could get to me.
When I then indicated and suggested to her, in the counselling room, in my body language, and with some of my verbal speech and communication, that I knew that this is what she had done and in some ways why, whilst I was waiting outside for quite a long time before the session - and when she then rushed, and very frustratingly and desperately needed to see me after this, outside the building and room, to let me in, for her to conform to, and in some ways to fulfil and satisfy this type of sexual fantasy of some others, she then looked at me with self-disgust, as if I was trying to judge or humiliate her for this - perhaps like she had just done to me in some ways - and which I wasn't trying or wanting to do to her, in any way, shape, or form.
This female counsellor, then directed and projected, the disgust and hate for this person who had quite coercively and exploitatively had sex with her, onto me, because having to have sex with someone who controlled her, in this rather dominant unwanted way against her, obviously really very much repulsed and disgusted her, and because she really loved, cared for, and most desired me.
This female counsellor, couldn't entirely understand, admit, or be honest about this very deep, in some ways intense, and slightly complex love and desire, that she had for me, and so it developed, in some ways, into a fragmented form of pure lust, by her towards me, in this way, whilst she still at the same time - and still probably does - very much love and miss me.
This is also a big part of the way, that she dealt with, having to pretend to herself, myself, and some other people in her social and work roles and life, that she never loved nor desired me, that she didn't and never cared about me at all - as a professional, women, and human being in society - and this was also her failed pretence and deceit to myself and others, that she never ever wanted to see me, nor in some ways know and care for me again.
This female counsellor, did sort of cheat on me sexually and socially, or TRIED to cheat on me in this way, and she also fantasised about me in a way, in this way, and which I still don't mind if that's what she likes and enjoys in some ways, but obviously, in some other ways, she was forced into this sexual activity and fantasy, in order to deny and repress, her care, true love, and desire for me, and our very unique way of communicating, loving, and relating; as if she was depriving herself and others from reality, and as if it all never ever actually happened.
When I was initially back, in this so-called particular counselling session with her, after I waited long outside, when she had got her breath back, after the so-called romp she'd just very recently had and experienced - and before I heavily hinted to her, part of what I knew about, what she had actually done and why - she then very aggressively, and sadistically, objectified and stared at me, as if it was me who had actually cheated, or tried to cheat, on her in those ways, and as if it was actually me, who was dirty and disgusting in this way, but which she actually felt and thought about herself and others, and which I never actually said or suggested to her, in any way.
At the next following counselling session, this female counsellor, then mocked or tried to mock me, very scornfully and sarcastically, and she laughed at me, and then bullied me and shouted me down, with very false and inaccurate, very negative, and very ignorant and prejudiced views, about heterosexual male masochism - that she had very repressively and coercively learnt and copied, from some of her male and female work-life and social role "superiors", and from other men and women, who had quite a bit of control over her life socially, politically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, erotically and sexually, and in terms of true love or loves, and creative and social skills, abilities, and knowledge.
This female counsellor, at the next following counselling session, then that said that all my mental health and masochism articles, were "defences", and at the next following counselling session, she very coldly and abruptly abandoned me, stating that she was ending the counselling sessions permanently, very soon - without giving me any real notice or time to prepare for this, other than one week - and then she refused to show me her any of her case-notes about me, but which I still would still like to read.
In spite of the abusive things this female counsellor did to me, whatever she decides to do in her life, I still wish her well, and I very much love and desire her very deeply, and immensely, and in a way she taught me a great deal, and she will always be my Mistress and my Queen.
A female counsellor, about ten years ago, helped me in many practical and emotional ways, for quite a long period of time, as part of our initial social friendship, and our counselling sessions together. She gave me a fair bit of support, sympathy, empathy, love and understanding, about the fact that I am and was born, a natural love and sexual masochist towards women, that I have been unjustly and unreasonably persecuted, punished, and abused for this many times in the past, in my childhood, teens, and adult life - and that I still am being persecuted and abused now, in a very similar way to how and why this female counsellor abused me, by another female professional who isn't a counsellor - and that I am a child and teen abuse, school bullying and teacher abuse, and a social worker and psychiatric abuse survivor.
This female counsellor, was and is, in many ways a very beautiful and creative, clever, unique, brave and lovely woman, person, and human being, who I would have liked to have kept in touch with, been fairly constant friends with, and lived with for a while as her friend and/or masochist lover, and/or married her.
This female counsellor, also had no idea that I am an absolute genius as a writer, as she was very defensive and jealous of my writing talents and articles, and she used this jealousy of hers towards me, as an excuse for some of her sexual and erotic dominance, and role-play towards me, during a few of the counselling sessions - which I very much loved, liked, and enjoyed, and which was fine - although I also thought and felt, that she didn't necessarily have to excuse herself for this, in that way - but she also used her jealousy towards me, as an excuse for her abuse against me - again, in order to feel superior to me, in a way, about me as a great writer, who shares his very unique and shared knowledge with others, from all walks of life.
I still very much loved and understood this female counsellor, and despite the fact that she in some ways deeply hurt me, emotionally, verbally, and in some ways mentally and emotionally sexually and erotically abused me - and which I didn't ask for, want, deserve, or like - I still genuinely and sincerely love and desire her, deeply and immensely, and wherever she is - and whatever she freely chooses in life - I will always love her and wish her well.
I cannot excuse the deep hurt, in the form of emotional, verbal, and in some ways the sexual and erotic abuse by her against and towards me though, as again, it has happened to me again recently, in some ways, by another female professional who isn't a counsellor, and I feel I must speak out about all of this - not least because I want to understand all the real reasons why the female counsellor did this to me - and which I think I already know - the ways it has in some ways still affected me, and because I want to write and share about all of this with the female counsellor and others.
During one of our fairly early counselling sessions - and without me asking her to do this - at some stage this female counsellor, touched me with a very gentle, sympathetic, and sensual touch and stroke, on my shoulder with her hand, and which at the time, I thought and felt, was very loving, kind, and absolutely fine, and in a way, like a very subtle and partial form of tantric-sex type sexual-love healing.
Some counselling sessions later, this female counsellor, asked me about my heterosexual masochist experiences and so-called fantasies, and then she smiled and drooled over me sexually from across the room, licking her lips, and simulating a kind of external French kissing, heavily seducing me, in some sexually or erotic ways that I very much like, love, and enjoy.
Then in our next counselling session, she seduced me again, by pretending to me that she was a female Mistress and a Queen, who I had to crawl to, bow down before, kiss her almost bare and very beautiful feet, and grovel to, love, adore, respect, and worship her, in this way. I naturally loved, liked, and enjoyed this, and I felt very much obliged to do this for her and me. To this day, I regret that I never did this for HER in particular, and for some other similar women, and that I didn't physically and completely show her my true feelings towards her, in that way, at that particular duration and time, and which in a big way, she wanted in exchange for the previous touching and stroking, gentle and warm sensuality and love, by her hand, upon my shoulder that other time, and for the friendship, support, caring and understanding she had previously shown and given me.
In these and this way in particular, she then she made me further fall in love with her, and adore and worship her, but without any real verbal satisfaction, as she was quite cold when she played the role of a female Mistress and a Queen, and she just stared at me like she controlled and owned me, and/or like I had to serve her - but she was very, very, clever with her eyes, face, head, and body language and expressions - because she could communicate and tell me exactly what to do, without speaking verbally at all when she did this, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet another woman quite like her, who can do that, in such a very clever, very creative, and skilful way.
This female counsellor, was obviously, saying, and trying to tell me, that she had some very unique, and most amazing, talents and abilities as well in this way, equal to my very good conversational, discussion and debate, and my writing talents and abilities, and that in this way, we were both more or less of equal talent, skill, worth and value, as individuals, and together as men and women, and as human beings and people, interpersonally and in society.
Again, this female counsellor did not speak at all, when she pretended to be a female Mistress and a Queen to and towards me, and this was also without any other physical individual or mutual contact, apart from her previous loving and slightly sensual, stroking of my shoulder with her hand. In her somewhat wild and frustrated anticipations, thoughts, and feelings, and in some of her very inaccurate prejudices and assumptions, about me being emotionally and sexually repressed, connected to her work-role labelling, prejudices, and training, she couldn't - or didn't want to - combine, connect, and/or integrate her previous very warm and gentle, sympathetic, and sensual touch and stroke, on my shoulder with her hand, with her somewhat separate and fragmented erotic, sensual, and sexual dominance desire and love as a female Mistress and a Queen, towards me, and in this respect I think she was somewhat lacking for and with me, although I could have taught, integrated, connected, and in some ways progressed and shared this with her, if she had let me at the time, or if I still knew her socially, and/or as her very special client, student and teacher, and her friend.
At the next following counselling session, whilst I had to wait for this female counsellor, outside the building and counselling room, a lot later than our usual agreed meeting time, and before she let me into the building and counselling room, she then had some sexual-love type making and sexual intercourse, with another person, in the counselling room, before our session, and before she actually saw me, I could tell immediately afterwards, when I saw her in the counselling room, by her body language, facial expressions, and her initial very awkward and repressed stammering speech - and because she was erotically and sexually charged and breathing quite heavily, mostly and initially towards me during this session and time - and because who she really sexually desired and loved was me.
Because of the male and female control, social, political, and sexual exploitation, and coercion, over her by some others, in her social and work-life and role, the social, political, and sexual and love exploitation, and the very false love and sexual repression used against her in this way, she therefore couldn't express her true thoughts, feelings, and her true love, erotic, and sexual feelings towards me, and so she tried to love and desire me in this way instead, and which was the closest and nearest thing she could get to me.
When I then indicated and suggested to her, in the counselling room, in my body language, and with some of my verbal speech and communication, that I knew that this is what she had done and in some ways why, whilst I was waiting outside for quite a long time before the session - and when she then rushed, and very frustratingly and desperately needed to see me after this, outside the building and room, to let me in, for her to conform to, and in some ways to fulfil and satisfy this type of sexual fantasy of some others, she then looked at me with self-disgust, as if I was trying to judge or humiliate her for this - perhaps like she had just done to me in some ways - and which I wasn't trying or wanting to do to her, in any way, shape, or form.
This female counsellor, then directed and projected, the disgust and hate for this person who had quite coercively and exploitatively had sex with her, onto me, because having to have sex with someone who controlled her, in this rather dominant unwanted way against her, obviously really very much repulsed and disgusted her, and because she really loved, cared for, and most desired me.
This female counsellor, couldn't entirely understand, admit, or be honest about this very deep, in some ways intense, and slightly complex love and desire, that she had for me, and so it developed, in some ways, into a fragmented form of pure lust, by her towards me, in this way, whilst she still at the same time - and still probably does - very much love and miss me.
This is also a big part of the way, that she dealt with, having to pretend to herself, myself, and some other people in her social and work roles and life, that she never loved nor desired me, that she didn't and never cared about me at all - as a professional, women, and human being in society - and this was also her failed pretence and deceit to myself and others, that she never ever wanted to see me, nor in some ways know and care for me again.
This female counsellor, did sort of cheat on me sexually and socially, or TRIED to cheat on me in this way, and she also fantasised about me in a way, in this way, and which I still don't mind if that's what she likes and enjoys in some ways, but obviously, in some other ways, she was forced into this sexual activity and fantasy, in order to deny and repress, her care, true love, and desire for me, and our very unique way of communicating, loving, and relating; as if she was depriving herself and others from reality, and as if it all never ever actually happened.
When I was initially back, in this so-called particular counselling session with her, after I waited long outside, when she had got her breath back, after the so-called romp she'd just very recently had and experienced - and before I heavily hinted to her, part of what I knew about, what she had actually done and why - she then very aggressively, and sadistically, objectified and stared at me, as if it was me who had actually cheated, or tried to cheat, on her in those ways, and as if it was actually me, who was dirty and disgusting in this way, but which she actually felt and thought about herself and others, and which I never actually said or suggested to her, in any way.
At the next following counselling session, this female counsellor, then mocked or tried to mock me, very scornfully and sarcastically, and she laughed at me, and then bullied me and shouted me down, with very false and inaccurate, very negative, and very ignorant and prejudiced views, about heterosexual male masochism - that she had very repressively and coercively learnt and copied, from some of her male and female work-life and social role "superiors", and from other men and women, who had quite a bit of control over her life socially, politically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, erotically and sexually, and in terms of true love or loves, and creative and social skills, abilities, and knowledge.
This female counsellor, at the next following counselling session, then that said that all my mental health and masochism articles, were "defences", and at the next following counselling session, she very coldly and abruptly abandoned me, stating that she was ending the counselling sessions permanently, very soon - without giving me any real notice or time to prepare for this, other than one week - and then she refused to show me her any of her case-notes about me, but which I still would still like to read.
In spite of the abusive things this female counsellor did to me, whatever she decides to do in her life, I still wish her well, and I very much love and desire her very deeply, and immensely, and in a way she taught me a great deal, and she will always be my Mistress and my Queen.
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