(This article has recently been edited, because my aunt protested that I should not have written about my mum and dad's sexual relationship, as this is a private matter that my dad at least would not want to be discussed in public. Needless to say, that I still believe that bad or unsatisfactory sexual relationships between parents or adults, can be a cause of child abuse).
From as young as since I could remember, from the age of about five, and up until my early teens, I was physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally abused by my mother as a child and teenager. She would violently attack me all the time for no reason, making me cry, and then she would violently attack me again for crying (a psychotherapist I saw some years back, said that whatever emotion I expressed as a child, was suppressed and considered bad or wrong).
My mother attacked and terrorised me, and I lived in constant fear of her violence or the threat of her violence. She would often slap me around the head or face, knocking my glasses off, kick me, pull my hair, and sometimes punch me, and she would often throw objects at me.
My mother abused me in these ways, whenever my father wasn't around, and my brother was an instigator to some of the abuse, even though he was very occasionally abused as well. My brother would often lie to my mum that I had said or done something to him, and this would then give her a reason to physically and verbally attack me. She would also often come into my room at night, wake me up, and drag me out of the bedroom by my hair, so she could violently attack and abuse me again.
Although my mother never sexually abused me, she seemed to get sexual pleasure from abusing me, and on the odd occasion, she would abuse me for long periods, making me cry repeatedly, then she would force me to sleep in the same bed as her at night. This was yet another way for her to emotionally and mentally abuse me, as I slept in fear of her violently attacking me again.
There was no escape from her violent rages, and I would often cry myself to sleep at night. She also verbally abused me, often screaming at me that she hated me and wanted to smash my face in, and she often used to call me a "fucking kid!". My brother was also occasionally abused by my mother. She sometimes used to drag him to bed by his hair, and she once threw him out on the streets, in his slippers and pyjamas, on a freezing cold day. I remember seeing him in the street, and asking him what he was doing in his pyjamas and slippers, and he said that she had kicked him out.
She also used to threaten me and my brother, with sending us away to boarding school, and which I found very distressing and frightening, as she said that she would phone the boarding school up, and they would take me away from home, and that I would never come back.
When I was 15, I started to tell my dad about the abuse when we were sitting in the living room of an evenings, whilst my mum was asleep on the sofa. She wasn't properly asleep though, and she could hear what I was saying to him. This didn't stop her from violently attacking me though. In fact, it made the abuse a lot worse. When I was 15, my mum once came into the toilet after I had used it, and she grabbed hold of my hair and started pulling it. I retaliated on this occasion though, and started kicking her, telling her to let go of my hair, and which eventually she did. I don't regret retaliating, because I had to defend myself.
My mum also started to verbally attack and threaten my dad. She would sometimes threaten to stab him and stick a knife in him. My mum and dad were having rows with each other all the time, and one day my dad and me left her for good. When we left my mum, I remember unleashing a lot of anger upon her, with my nan begging us not to leave her daughter.
Since the abuse, I have tried to understand my mum and understand why she abused me. I don't believe that it was because she never loved me, although she never in the past showed me any love or affection as a child. I've since learnt about her, that she came from and grew up in a very poor, rough, and emotionally hard background and environment. Also, whilst her father was a very loving and nice man, he was also authoritarian towards her on occasion. My nan suffered from manic depression, and so maybe that's where she learnt that power-relationship from, of being neglected emotionally, or she was rebelling against powerlessness in a way, and in that way associated my nan's powerlessness with me as a child. I've since learnt that wherever violence occurs there is also poverty and powerlessness. My mum was also house-bound and in an unsatisfactory relationship with my dad, but she wanted to work.
Because my mum abused me, when I left home with my dad I refused to see her for four years. In hindsight though, this was a very cruel and stupid thing for me to do, because my mum was a changed woman and she was feeling very guilty and crying and grieving over me. She was genuinely sorry for what she had done to me as a child, and I should have forgiven her there and then. I got into Buddhism and learnt that all life was basically made up of suffering, and this made me realise that my mum must have been suffering, at the time of the abuse too. I also think that she was suffering from some kind of hypomania and possibly depression. Hypomania is where a person goes into a rage and can't control themselves (it could be said that they choose to lose control), and it is marked by racing thoughts and constant elation or irritability, and it is a symptom of manic depression. I've since learnt that different people respond differently to depression. Some people become more withdrawn and passive, whilst others can become volatile and angry or even violent.
When I was 17 and living in a flat with my dad, my mum came to visit me, and was crying, in a very bad way, and she looked drained of life-force and like she was having an emotional and mental breakdown. I unleashed all my anger upon her, some of the anger stemming from the way that my dad and his partner were nagging and bullying me at the time, and I pushed her over and kicked her, asking her why she violently abused me, and then I threw her out.
A psychotherapist I saw some years ago said that I had a right to be angry, but some of that anger involved some hatred, and I always regret violently attacking my mum on that occasion and rejecting her. Again, I was wrong, and should have forgiven her. I don't like anger, because when a person is angry they can lose their thinking faculties and self control. I think that if anger is integrated with love, understanding, and forgiveness, then it is OK, but by itself, anger can very easily blind us and turn into hatred.
It was when I left home from living with my dad and his partner, that I decided to see my mum again. I tried living on my own but found it hard. I moved into a bedsit, and then into another flat, but I eventually moved into my mum's house where I have been living ever since.
As an adult, my mum has been very good to me, and the way I look at it, she has made up for being a very bad mother towards me as a child.
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